The Beauty of Bothness
“I’m disappointed, but I feel like I should be grateful.”
My friend had gone through something mildly annoying, nothing serious, but enough to make her feel jilted. And she felt guilty for not being grateful for the positive side of it.
Sound familiar?
“Both can be true,” I said. “You can be grateful for it and still disappointed by the outcome.”
I’ve noticed myself saying this late to my friends, colleagues, and myself.
We tend to think of two stark colors in this world. Red means stop and bad. Green means go and good. We talk about opinions being black and white, meaning no gray areas.
Because we don’t like gray areas, it seems.
But bothness isn’t gray. It’s just…both.
When someone asks you, “How are you doing?” does your brain ever stop and think…
OMG. We feel SO MANY THINGS! We are…tired. Hungry. Grumpy. Relieved. Excited.
“Fine,” you answer.
Brain: NOOOOO!
Your brain is right. You’re not fine. Yeah, you’re hungry. A bit grumpy. Excited for something. Tired from the day. You’re all the things.
In a recent podcast, Jonathan Van Ness asked happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin about how we can be happier.
Rubin says it’s better to ask “what makes me happier” than “how to be happy.”
“It’s more about moving in the right direction, rather than if you got there. When someone asks ‘Are you happy?’ I wonder, ‘What does that even mean?” Rubin asks. “You can be unhappy and happy at the same time, or happy in one place but unhappy in others.”
If you enjoy gardening, for example, does gardening make you happy? Well, maybe, Rubin says. But it can also be frustrating and a lot of work. But does gardening make you happier? Absolutely.
All of those things can be true. All at the same time! Minute by minute, hour by hour. And they can change! So let it.
Where this comes into play in our lives, and our concern of how we affect others, is advice.
Likewise, we often have trouble accepting the beauty of bothness for ourselves.
Picture this scenario: Your friend tells you they’re having a rough time. They’re tired, overworked, burnt out. They want to hit a magic reset button. Your heart expands in empathy. You lend an ear, and put their hand on their shoulder.
“Why don’t you take some time off? You deserve it. Give yourself a break,” you reply.
They nod and agree. “Yeah, maybe I should.”
And your brain screams at you: YOU’RE IN THE SAME BOAT! How can you give that advice?! Why don’t YOU take a break?!
Because both can be true.
You can give advice even if you need the same advice. You can help your friend now, and hopefully take your advice next.
Can you imagine a world where only people who had it all together were the ones guiding the rest of us? Truth is, there’s no one out there qualified to do that.
In a world of people yelling at each other, and people being called right and wrong for major or not-so-major things, we tend to box ourselves and our thoughts in the process.
I was having a rough time with a project recently, and I told my manager, “I’m grateful for the work, I am. But it’s a bit draining.”
“Both can be true,” he reminded me. And I smiled.
This happens with people, too — people we love and admire, in our lives our outside of them. You may respect a person, adore them, and they do or say something that lets you down.
That doesn’t mean you look past the disappointment. You can acknowledge disappointment and still have respect for that person. Our friends and family may do things or say things that don’t jive with our feelings and morals.
But you can choose to still love them. Both can be true.
This comes up with rest. And c’mon, folks. Let’s talk about rest. Because a lot of us aren’t getting enough.
I don’t mean sleep, but it can include sleep. Both can be true.
But rest, in this case, is the act of letting go. Of relaxing. Of doing nothing. Of watching TV. Of sitting outside with a book. Of taking a nap.
All of that can be true.
So often, we feel like if we rest = we aren’t productive.
If we rest = nothing that needs to get done is getting done.
If we rest = things fall through the cracks.
That simply isn’t true.
The balance of rest and doing is essential. Balance, on the whole, is something we miss in our lives and what the beauty of bothness is all about.
Did you just unload the dishwasher? But you still have laundry to do? Are you also a bit tired today?
Rest.
“But, Erin…the laundry.”
It isn’t going anywhere. And you unloaded the dishwasher already.
You’re productive. And you’re taking time to rest. Both can be true. Both should be true.
And do you want a juicy secret? Rest is productivity. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
“What did you do this weekend?” your colleagues or friends ask.
“Nothing,” you answer. You feel a pang of guilt, maybe. You watched your favorite movie with a glass of wine. Maybe you slept in on Saturday and didn’t go for your usual weekend run.
Nothing can be productive, too.
Both can be true.
So what’s the point of all these words? It’s that in our world, especially as human beings carrying around these awkward meat suits, we want to have a definition. Sometimes we don’t live well in ambiguity.
And bothness is ambiguous. It might feel itchy.
Listen to yourself. Identify what you’re feeling. All the things.
Rubin says to treat ourselves like toddlers or puppies. Feed yourself. Water yourself. Get rest. Think about what your body is feeling, and answer it.
Be okay with ambiguity. Be okay with bothness. Or allness. Or anything else going on in that beautiful brain of yours.
